My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
