I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
