You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
