I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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