i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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