my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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