Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
