I just cut my nipple shaving
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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