this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
