Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
