when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
