since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
