That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
