if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
