im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
