Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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