You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
sex in a hospital.. check
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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