just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
