dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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