I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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