I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
