And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I supernannyed him into submission
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