I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
