I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
