I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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