U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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