It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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