Joe is yelling at the trees again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
