I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
