The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
