fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
