I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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