I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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