i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
