I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
