I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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