I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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