Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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