I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
