omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
