I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
