Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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