good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
