Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
