I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This can only be settled by a dance off.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
