I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
