I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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