You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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