I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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