Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
